Monday, February 28, 2011

Light in Death

The phone rang at 4:30 in the morning that he had passed.  The next week was a complete blur.  All I know/remember was the love and support of all our friends and family.  I remember being sad.  A lot.  I wanted to call him to tell him that I was mad at him for leaving, but, couldn't.  The one thing that truly stays with me is one day that we had together while he layed in bed.  We were holding hands just sitting there.  He looked at me and said, "I'll always be holding your hand, up here" and he let go of my hand and took his bony pointer finger and gently touched my forehead.  I think of that all the time.  I also have weird dreams that he isn't dead and that we forgot about him somewhere.....
I'm getting off track.  One month to the day after his death, there was light.  I found out that I was pregnant.  Don't know how since I was on the pill.  We just like to believe that someone had other plans for us.  My husband knew right away that we were having a boy.  There was no doubt in his mind what so ever!  We were having Tom's namesake.
So, here I was.  Struggling with my best friend's death.  Sad and pained by it for a long time.  Completely blissful of the fact that we were pregnant and now we needed to get out of the basement apartment (boy, did we need to get out of that apartment!)  Hormones.  Men always say we're crazy from hormones. At that time I almost would have believed it!!!
Normal pregnancy.  Not so normal delivery.  37 hours of labor before begging for a c-section.  Big guy was stuck and couldn't get out so we made the right choice.  Smart like his namesake, he was looking down so he could watch for someone catching him!!!
Then it was getting time to come home. 
I have always been an asthmatic.  So, when the chest pain and shortness of breath started the night before baby and I were supposed to come home, I didn't realize the type of panic that was happening.  I didn't want to call a nurse.  I didn't want my baby.  I didn't want anything.  Didn't know what to do with myself.  Pacing.  Crying.  Pacing some more.  It's morning and they're going to bring him to me soon.
Getting out of there took forever it seemed.  We had grandparents waiting for us at home.  And I didn't want anyone there.  I didn't want anyone to leave.  How can you leave me alone with this baby?  Please don't go home.  And then I blurted out "I CAN'T DO THIS!!!" 
My husband was beside himself.  All I know is that I wasn't talking about the baby.  I was talking about the crazy ass things that were running through my head.  5 days ago I was a sane person.  Very quickly I wasn't.  This wasn't me and I was pissed!!!!

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