Monday, February 28, 2011

I Just Won 8 Swag Bucks on

I Just Won 8 Swag Bucks on

A peculiar witch dashes into the outlook

A peculiar witch dashes into the outlook

Now, what should the next sentence be?
your suggestions please!!

Light in Death

The phone rang at 4:30 in the morning that he had passed.  The next week was a complete blur.  All I know/remember was the love and support of all our friends and family.  I remember being sad.  A lot.  I wanted to call him to tell him that I was mad at him for leaving, but, couldn't.  The one thing that truly stays with me is one day that we had together while he layed in bed.  We were holding hands just sitting there.  He looked at me and said, "I'll always be holding your hand, up here" and he let go of my hand and took his bony pointer finger and gently touched my forehead.  I think of that all the time.  I also have weird dreams that he isn't dead and that we forgot about him somewhere.....
I'm getting off track.  One month to the day after his death, there was light.  I found out that I was pregnant.  Don't know how since I was on the pill.  We just like to believe that someone had other plans for us.  My husband knew right away that we were having a boy.  There was no doubt in his mind what so ever!  We were having Tom's namesake.
So, here I was.  Struggling with my best friend's death.  Sad and pained by it for a long time.  Completely blissful of the fact that we were pregnant and now we needed to get out of the basement apartment (boy, did we need to get out of that apartment!)  Hormones.  Men always say we're crazy from hormones. At that time I almost would have believed it!!!
Normal pregnancy.  Not so normal delivery.  37 hours of labor before begging for a c-section.  Big guy was stuck and couldn't get out so we made the right choice.  Smart like his namesake, he was looking down so he could watch for someone catching him!!!
Then it was getting time to come home. 
I have always been an asthmatic.  So, when the chest pain and shortness of breath started the night before baby and I were supposed to come home, I didn't realize the type of panic that was happening.  I didn't want to call a nurse.  I didn't want my baby.  I didn't want anything.  Didn't know what to do with myself.  Pacing.  Crying.  Pacing some more.  It's morning and they're going to bring him to me soon.
Getting out of there took forever it seemed.  We had grandparents waiting for us at home.  And I didn't want anyone there.  I didn't want anyone to leave.  How can you leave me alone with this baby?  Please don't go home.  And then I blurted out "I CAN'T DO THIS!!!" 
My husband was beside himself.  All I know is that I wasn't talking about the baby.  I was talking about the crazy ass things that were running through my head.  5 days ago I was a sane person.  Very quickly I wasn't.  This wasn't me and I was pissed!!!!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

WAHM fun!

Just a little aside here!  i have been doing a bunch of research on WAH projects.  I'll be posting several ideals here inbetween regular blogging.  So, it actually starts here with a blog -  Then you can use Google AdSense and start using links to some of your favorite retailers!  It's taking some time to get things going, but, I'm just going to keep plugging away here and figure it all out as I go!
Wanting to have some fun with this!! :)

1999 and we did party!

So, I think my adult life began in 1999.  I just quit a job that I really disliked, started working for a friend, taking on more piano students and getting my own apartment.  Life was good!!  Tom had hired me away from working at the hospital job that I had (residents are not fun to work for!!)  and freed up a lot of time for me to take on more piano students again as well as taking care of his office paper work.  He and his partner had only had 2 more employees other than me, and one of them, was my future husband!! 
Tom introduced me to Brian who turned into my best friend immediately.  Little did I know how he felt at the time and I just felt safe with him.  Tom, Brian and I were the three musketeers.  We spent a lot of time travelling on weekends and drinking.  Lots of drinking!!!
When I had met Tom, he was recovering from colon cancer.  We developed a very close relationship and we were always there for each other in the 7 years that we had.  We were each others confidant.  Brian had been working for him for a while and the three of us had a chemistry that is so rare.  (atleast it was for me)
Tom had lots of appointments and procedures and girlfriends ( oh- some of those girls...I could do an entire post on those girls he met!) but, it almost always came down to the three of us!  We were there for each other.  They showed up to my grandmother's wake and witnessed me having a complete laughing fit in the middle of it all - completely inappropriate - but uncontrollable!!  Tom had hospital stays, we were there.  Brian was/is always the rock!
So, after Tom finally got a clean bill of health, he got married.  Then Brian and I got married.  And then, everything started falling apart.
Tom's cancer came back with a vengence.  It was awful.  He had 2 beautiful girls and his wife had 2 amazing children as well ( a boy and a girl) and they had become quite the family.  Brian and I were starting a great life together and then it all came down to him.  Between Tom's wife and myself, we took care of him.  When she needed to work, I took him to appointments and when she was able to, I still took care of the office work.  But, by the end of the year 2003, new year's eve, it was the beginning of the end.  The doctors gave Tom days to live.  We were beside ourselves.  Tom and his wife spent New Years' Eve in the hospital with a room on a high floor and a bed with a window.  That's what I remember - them talking about how beautiful the view was because of the fireworks at midnight.  They had made a decision.  Home hospice.
There was no question as to what would happen next.  Donna still had to work.  They had nurses coming in every day.  I moved in with them to take care of the kids and Brian came over every night after work.  It was the longest 6 weeks.........

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Before I add more thoughts , I thought that I would share that I am going to try these ads on the page.  I, like many other WAHM moms, need an outlet where we can make a few extra spending bucks, whether it's for a girls night out or treating the kids to McDonalds because you didn't yell at them all day. ads are what make the world go round and when they are explored, i get some extra pennies!  Alas, here I am, trying to make a few extra dollars with ads.  More on my brain meltdown to follow...........

Just the beginning

I've been thinking about this for a while now.  I've been dealt more than a handful over the years and I know that I am not alone.  So, I thought this would be a good forum just to add my thoughts to cyberworld. 
This has been quite the month.  Sick children, a scary visit to the pediatric ER and family health from 3000 miles away!  It's taken a lot out of me and sometimes I think that no one gets what I'm feeling.

I suffer from post partum.  Don't know if that's it now since it's been 4 years since my littlest one was born.  So maybe at this point it's just anxiety and depression.  I've been on meds and they work wonders.  I don't know if I could have become the mom that I am without them.  I don't want to find out yet if "mommy's little helper" is my breaking point.  All I do know  is that I don't cry in bed for long periods of time any more when life becomes overwhelming.  Believe me, I do have my days that I want to!!  But, the sadness isn't as painful and I know that I can push myself to move again. 

My father had a cardiac catheterization last week.  He got it in the nick of time.  Just through a regular cardiac exam, they found issues.  He had a 95% blockage in one of his main arteries and this stint saved his life.  Unfortuneately, this is what I have to look forward to as I get older.  His whole side of the family has cardiac problems.

My little guy was born with a cardiac birth defect and had closed heart surgery when he was 8 days old.  His heart health weighs on me everyday.  We go to the cardiologist every 6 months to make sure that all is well (which it is - this kid is unstoppable!)  But, anytime that he is not well, I PANIC!!  He has a bi-cuspid valve that will have to be replaced when he gets older, but is growing with him right now, so all is well.

When my big guy was born, he started pooping blood.  This of course sent me into a craze.  My husband and I had just watched our best friend pass away from colon cancer.  We named our son after him because if it wasn't for him, we never would have met or been able to have the life that we have now!  As it turned out, my love for dairy ulcerated my son's colon!  I had to stop breastfeeding right away which killed me and the guilt that came with that was overwhelming.  "NEW MOM ULCERATED SON'S COLON : NEWS AT 5"  crazy - but, thoughts like that and much worse went through my head.  Beginning of the end of my mental health??  probably not, i know I started losing mental health before that..........